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1993-09-17
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From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: PRESS RELEASE: Commodore proposes new environmental strategy!!
Date: 17 Sep 1993 16:56:43 GMT
Keywords: environment, mountains, nookers
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
(Dedicated fondly to S.W., wherever you are....)
COMMODORE BUSINESS MACHINES TAKES ON
THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS
WEST CHESTER, Pa. -- September 19, 1993 -- Commodore Business Machines,
makers of the powerful "Omega" line of personal computers, announced today
that they will be taking steps in a bold and unexpected new direction:
cleanup of the world's ineffective nuclear waste dumps.
"Commodore is always ready and willing to address the concerns of our
Amiga-using friends on USENET," said Lew Eggebrecht, Vice President of
Ecological Engineering. "We know that Amigans are concerned about nuclear
waste, so we're going to devote our full attention to this problem."
Eggebrecht, who reads comp.sys.amiga.advocacy religiously every day, said
that Commodore's new manufacturing plant in the Phillippines will be
diverted from its current task of manufacturing 20,000 CD^32 "Multimedia
System Thingers" per second to the new problem of nuclear waste disposal.
Commodore has recently hired several environmental experts to help implement
their new environmental program, which has three stages. The first stage
will be a massive political advertising campaign, run by well-known
political commentator David "jazz" Navas. "I know this stuff better than I
can possibly make clear," said Navas at his first press conference, "so I
won't." Rumor has it that Navas and Commodore's intrepid marketing
department will team up for a massive advertising and public awareness media
blitz. "You've never seen anything else like it before," promised
Eggebrecht. "We are even considering doing a TV commercial."
The second stage will be supervised by Jack Radigan, author of the popular
Amiga telecommunications package, "TextCraft." Radigan will be building the
first "lowtek" rocket that will carry nuclear waste directly to the sun,
where it will be destroyed. "Some people say that this method of disposal
is impractical because it costs too much, but these people are discounting
inflation," argued Radigan. "You see, if you inflate ten or twelve *really*
huge balloons, you can carry that waste all the way to the sun for only a
few pennies at most!" Radigan has also volunteered to pilot the rocket
during its plunge into the sun.
Stage three -- risk-free burial of the world's nuclear waste -- will be
headed by the famous Professor Dan Stephenson, Ph.D., M.D., P.D.Q., of the
University of Drilling Nice Big Safe Holes In Mountains. Thanks to Dr.
Stephenson's brilliant, ground-breaking research in the field of ecological
stasis theory (also known as the "Nothing Ever Changes Nope Nope Nope"
Hypothesis), nuclear waste burial has finally become a realistic option.
Stephenson's detractors claim that even mountains are not sufficient for
containment of waste, and that people in the future may accidentally open up
the mountains and release deadly radiation. To combat these claims,
Stephenson has volunteered to be buried in the mountain right alongside the
dump. "I will guard this waste carefully for as long as necessary, even if
it takes 50,000 years," vowed Stephenson with a tear in his eye. "Everything
will be perfectly safe. I'll be standing by that door the whole time."
Stephenson also promised to watch out for powerful, violent forces of nature
such as earthquakes, volcanos, and Jerry Kuch.
Industry reaction to Commodore's new strategy has been mixed. "I think
it's a great idea," said Dan Barrett, chief propagandist at BLAZEMONGER
INCORPORATED. "In fact, my company has been contracted to provide the
guidance software for Jack's rocket. When it hits the sun, there is going
to be one HECK of an explosion!! The effects will be only temporary, so
don't worry: a new Sun will undoubtedly wander into our solar system
sometime during the next few billion years and heat up the planet again."
But not all observers are quite this enthusiastic. "This sucks," said Peter
Sinclair, prominent consumer advocate and columnist for The Iowa Hog-Jowl.
When asked to explain his position, however, Sinclair merely quoted several
thousand lines of other people's text. And noted public avenger Marc
Barrett was quoted as saying: "What's the point? The Earth is DOOMED
anyway."
Only time will tell whether Commodore's new direction will lead to real
results. See you in 50,000 years!
Dan
//////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1993 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author. So nyaaah.